Tuesday, December 13, 2005

Is EVERYONE but me rich ?

I can't help but feel so poor and jealous of narky and spun and that girl I don't even know who posted pics of her new house on the 20 something hangout. What baffles me is that everyone just commented "Nice house". "It's cute". "Nice and Classic". While I would comment "Holy Falafel, What a castle!" Maybe people in Ottawa and in the states are just richer than Atlantic Canadians ? Don't get me wrong... I love my modest house and I'm not that miserable doing my little secretary job. It's just that sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not striving enough for the nice things I want ? (money to raise a family, to travel, to have 2 reliable cars, to never have to use my bank overdraft...etc...) Maybe it's just me being too affraid of other people's opinions of me again. I keep thinking, do I really want to go to my high school reunion in two years and tell them that I'm "just" a secretary, have no time for a social life, gained weight and have no kids ?

I soooo would love to go back to university to have a real carreer. I sooo regret partying too hard in university and quitting after a year to go to college where I knew it wouldn't be too challenging for me. To my credit, Arts really are my passion. And the college promised us great job opportunities. 5 years after graduation, 2 persons out of the whole class of 25 are working in our field. Martin is also working for the provincial government, but as a webmaster for the department of education. The second person working in the multimedia/internet field is our teacher Denis who's now working as a programmer at IK with Steph. Half of the class are working at call centers, which is quickly becoming a prime staple in this province's economy. Mylene went back to school and is now a registered nurse, Guylaine works at a call center too, Michelle went back to college the year after taking the webmaster course and is going again in the fall taking graphic design. Working at a call center in the meantime. Francis went back to working in construction in Nunavut, Phillip is working for the telephone company.... anyways.

I feel like I'm too old to go back to university. No, I don't think that 26 is old. I think that *I* am old. As much as I would love to have a career to be proud of, my desire to start a family, be a 'real' wife, live like grown ups, live real adult lives is even stronger. Although realistically, I can't financially afford to be a Stay at Home Mom which has always been my one true biggest dream. I can't. I can't! I have to move on. My marriage comes first and foremost and I can't possibly expect Steph to compromise on our lifestyle and financial goals when he's not even happy with where we're at now. I can't expect Steph to take on the role of sole provider on his shoulders. I can't expect Steph to give up on his one true biggest life long dream of becoming a business owner. Which unlike my dream is entirely realistic.

I'm fast approaching 27 years old and I'm struggling more than ever with my health. I know people mean well with their weight loss advice, but I have been seeing dieticians since I was 9 years old. I would make an excellent nutritionist if I wasn't morbidly obese. All this to say that in 3 years, my already poor fertility is supposed to drastically decrease, according to statistics. Is my dream to have children another unrealistic pipe dream? I have only myself to blame for my obesity. Why did I sabotage myself like this, if I have been longing to have children since I was a kid myself ? If I'm going to grow old with my shedding, hairball emitting cats while having no real career, what is the point exactly ? Can I realistically endure another 40 years of crummy jobs ?

Can I possibly have my cake and eat it too ? Would starting a family while going to school mean my children would grow up alone with non-existant parents like I did ? Is that the reason I can't wait to have children myself, so that I can have a family and do every family activity I've ever dreamed of doing, to give some kids a good chance at life to the best of my abilities ? Wouldn't doing that mean going completely against my beliefs that kids should be raised by their own parents if possible ?

Would taking the next year to focus on my health hardcore, lose weight, THEN have children and start a family, take my somewhat financially realistically possible maternity leave, THEN go to school around the age of 35 years old, consequently made a big dent in my already existing student loans... a realistically feasible dream ? I would still have 30 good years of work... Would I feel embarrassed anyways going to my high shcool reunion possibly thinner and healthier yet still having no career or children to be proud of ?

I'm sorry to be such a drag tonight. Tina will be so dissapointed... She particularly likes humorous blog entries. Also, sorry for those of you who have heard me whine about my conflicting unrealistic life goals.

In an effort to protect you, dear readers, from my depressed mood... :

Numa Numa Numa Yay! Mahi Mahi, Mahi Maha, Mahi ah hi hi! Numa Numa Numa yay!

Now tell me that the song isn't stuck in your head and that you're not totally singing it and dancing in your chair!


Heather said...

Believe it or not, I know how you're feeling. My best friend and I really went through this last year - we seemed so far from our dreams for our life, and they just kept becoming more and more unreachable (even though she claims she doesn't have any dreams... whatever!).

Of course, now my life has so completely flipped upside down that my only current dream is to get through this alive.

In any case, I found that I got too upset, depressed and overwhelmed when I looked at the grand scheme of my "dreams." Instead, each week, I'd pick one *achieveable* step that would bring me closer to my dreams. Otherwise, I found that I just spun my wheels without ever getting any closer to making a dream happen.

For instance, when I was thinking that I'd really like to pursue a career in scrapbooking, either by opening my own shop or through some other avenue, I bought a huge lot of scrapbooking items off of eBay and then started selling them individually.

Does that make sense? I'd explain more, but I'm *so* late - have a great day!

Hobby Chef said...

Nancy, I know how you're feeling. Mike and I make a good living, and we have a nice house and nice things. But then I see some of the people our age who are building these 40,000-square-foot homes with gourmet kitchens, flat-panel TVs in every room and Lexus SUVs parked in the 3-car garage, and I wonder "What are we doing wrong?"

I think I've figured it out, though ... A lot of these people don't own their possessions - the possessions own them. They may have lots of "stuff," but they have a mountain of debt to accompany it all.

And in terms of going back to school, you are NEVER too old to go back! And your dream of being a mom is not a pipe dream. Do what feels right to you. I think lots of people spend their time waiting for everything in their lives to be in perfect alignment before they make a change. But the fact is, things are never perfect, and we can always find reasons to put off doing what we really want to do.

27 is YOUNG! Your life is your own, and you can make it whatever you want it to be! And no matter what path you choose, I think you'll succeed. You're a really special person.

There's my pep talk for today! :-)

Mindy said...

Nancy - have you ever considered counseling? I bet there is a reason you are sabotaging your dreams in life. There is a reason you are an emotional eater. There is a reason you chose the "path of least resistance" by going to college instead of staying in the university. Somewhere in you - you have determined that you just aren't worth it. You've determined you aren't worthy of having what you want. And do you know what? That's a bunch of crap. You ARE worth it. You are worth the time and effort to get your health and weight in check. You are worth the time and effort to pursue a career you really want. You are, you are, you are. DO IT. Get into counseling and figure out why you don't think you are worthy and tackle that issue and conquer it.

My life is SO SO SO far from what I envisioned it being. But even with everything going on in my life right now - I am so happy. I know who I am, I like me, I like my life, I love my family and friends. You can have that, too. I swear to you, you can.


miika said...

Can I just say "what they said" ?

I was going to say the same thing about debt. Most people with big houses can't exactly afford them. Or, they can, for now, but all it takes is a job loss or a sudden unexpected bill for the whole house of cards to come crumbling down... think about it. When the interest rates go up, and all these wannabes with their big mansions can't afford them anymore, you'll still be living in "your own" house that you can afford, not being forced to sell it because you underestimated the financial burden.

And then I was going to suggest counselling as well. I firmly believe that this would help.

And I wanted to say that we should have a big long chat on MSN again some day, maybe we can help each other figure out our dreams. Trust me, I know where you're coming from.

And most of all (((((((HUGS))))))) you're worth every dream you have, and you CAN make them happen.

fastbackstang said...

I just started reading your blog, so I don't really know all that much about you, but I can tell that you have some regrets. Well, we all do, so try to not get down on yourself! As for 'things', I sometimes wonder the same thing. We have a nice house, but our cars are old, and we just don't have as many 'extras' as alot of other people. I think that much of America is in debt, and they just keep going in debt because they feel that they "need" more and more. Also - where was that person from? You can afford alot more house in some parts of the country than others. Here in GA, housing is quite reasonable compared to California, D.C., etc.

I know that you might not feel like you are at the age for the University, but the sooner the better if you are going to go. Alot of courses are now offered online, so you could possibly take classes w/o leaving home.

Scatterbrain said...

Nancy I'm totally not disappointed..in fact I'm proud of you for being real! and trust me, your not the only one who isn't rich..and I think the same things. I think..it's not fair why do some people seem to have everything and some seem to have nothing...I think where did we go wrong?
But let me share something with you that I know....the people that seem to have everything and go after one big possesion after the other...they don't have it all together either girl friend...they're trying to fill something inside them that is empty with possesions...and that just doesn't work...oh if I just have this car I'll be happy, oh if I just get this big house I'll be happy...but they no sooner get it and they want more, it's never enough.
so big hugs to you girlfriend, I hear what your saying and if you wanna go back to school just do it. You can do lots through corespondace these days too, check out www.athabascau.ca
later chicky

miika said...

I'll second Athabasca, heard good things about their correspondence courses.

miika (again, I know) said...

PS: don't believe everything you see posted on message boards... remember Liz? ;-)