I can't help but feel so poor and jealous of narky and spun and that girl I don't even know who posted pics of her new house on the 20 something hangout. What baffles me is that everyone just commented "Nice house". "It's cute". "Nice and Classic". While I would comment "Holy Falafel, What a castle!" Maybe people in Ottawa and in the states are just richer than Atlantic Canadians ? Don't get me wrong... I love my modest house and I'm not that miserable doing my little secretary job. It's just that sometimes I feel like maybe I'm not striving enough for the nice things I want ? (money to raise a family, to travel, to have 2 reliable cars, to never have to use my bank overdraft...etc...) Maybe it's just me being too affraid of other people's opinions of me again. I keep thinking, do I really want to go to my high school reunion in two years and tell them that I'm "just" a secretary, have no time for a social life, gained weight and have no kids ?
I soooo would love to go back to university to have a real carreer. I sooo regret partying too hard in university and quitting after a year to go to college where I knew it wouldn't be too challenging for me. To my credit, Arts really are my passion. And the college promised us great job opportunities. 5 years after graduation, 2 persons out of the whole class of 25 are working in our field. Martin is also working for the provincial government, but as a webmaster for the department of education. The second person working in the multimedia/internet field is our teacher Denis who's now working as a programmer at IK with Steph. Half of the class are working at call centers, which is quickly becoming a prime staple in this province's economy. Mylene went back to school and is now a registered nurse, Guylaine works at a call center too, Michelle went back to college the year after taking the webmaster course and is going again in the fall taking graphic design. Working at a call center in the meantime. Francis went back to working in construction in Nunavut, Phillip is working for the telephone company.... anyways.
I feel like I'm too old to go back to university. No, I don't think that 26 is old. I think that *I* am old. As much as I would love to have a career to be proud of, my desire to start a family, be a 'real' wife, live like grown ups, live real adult lives is even stronger. Although realistically, I can't financially afford to be a Stay at Home Mom which has always been my one true biggest dream. I can't. I can't! I have to move on. My marriage comes first and foremost and I can't possibly expect Steph to compromise on our lifestyle and financial goals when he's not even happy with where we're at now. I can't expect Steph to take on the role of sole provider on his shoulders. I can't expect Steph to give up on his one true biggest life long dream of becoming a business owner. Which unlike my dream is entirely realistic.
I'm fast approaching 27 years old and I'm struggling more than ever with my health. I know people mean well with their weight loss advice, but I have been seeing dieticians since I was 9 years old. I would make an excellent nutritionist if I wasn't morbidly obese. All this to say that in 3 years, my already poor fertility is supposed to drastically decrease, according to statistics. Is my dream to have children another unrealistic pipe dream? I have only myself to blame for my obesity. Why did I sabotage myself like this, if I have been longing to have children since I was a kid myself ? If I'm going to grow old with my shedding, hairball emitting cats while having no real career, what is the point exactly ? Can I realistically endure another 40 years of crummy jobs ?
Can I possibly have my cake and eat it too ? Would starting a family while going to school mean my children would grow up alone with non-existant parents like I did ? Is that the reason I can't wait to have children myself, so that I can have a family and do every family activity I've ever dreamed of doing, to give some kids a good chance at life to the best of my abilities ? Wouldn't doing that mean going completely against my beliefs that kids should be raised by their own parents if possible ?
Would taking the next year to focus on my health hardcore, lose weight, THEN have children and start a family, take my somewhat financially realistically possible maternity leave, THEN go to school around the age of 35 years old, consequently made a big dent in my already existing student loans... a realistically feasible dream ? I would still have 30 good years of work... Would I feel embarrassed anyways going to my high shcool reunion possibly thinner and healthier yet still having no career or children to be proud of ?
I'm sorry to be such a drag tonight. Tina will be so dissapointed... She particularly likes humorous blog entries. Also, sorry for those of you who have heard me whine about my conflicting unrealistic life goals.
In an effort to protect you, dear readers, from my depressed mood... :
Numa Numa Numa Yay! Mahi Mahi, Mahi Maha, Mahi ah hi hi! Numa Numa Numa yay!
Now tell me that the song isn't stuck in your head and that you're not totally singing it and dancing in your chair!