Mocha, chocolata yaya

I was just telling Tina how I feel so weird because my body is extremely tired, yet my mind is extremely awake. Maybe it's all the coffee. When my parents were over last weekend, my mom bought some of that international delight hazelnut flavored coffee cream. It was okay, but I thought I'd like some french vanilla better so I got that. All week I've been using french vanilla flavored coffee cream, trying to get the right ratio of cream/coffee for it to actually taste like french vanilla. Either it tasted like nothing, or just too much sugar. I gave up this morning and used regular cream and that was the best coffee I've had all week. It tasted like coffee. All week my coffees haven't hit the spot. I was drinking more coffee than usual and craving more coffee. I was craving that dark roast taste, that's what I think. Another thing I'm craving like a junkie is Reese's Pieces. I want some soooooo bad. Last night I asked my brother to pick up some Reeses Pieces on his way to my house, but apparently I said "Reeses Pieces Bar". Of course he didn't spot any so he bought me this "Peanut Butter Smarties Bar" EW! It tasted like, faintly peanut butter flavored wax. I think I'll have to get out on my lunch hour to get Reeses Pieces.

I've been wanting to blog all week, but haven't. I was wondering why I couldn't bring myself to blog even though I craved it... this morning I came to the conclusion that maybe it was because I didn't want to blog so that I wouldn't have to change my ticker to reflect my 6lbs weight gain. I did blog about my dog, but since it wasn't about me the ticker didn't matter. Well, what I decided to do was to leave the ticker, never change it to reflect my weight gains and always just leave it there until I start losing weight again and only celebrate my weight losses. Not dwell over my gains. I will start losing again. For sure.

Another thing I am down about is my stupid uterus. I guess I celebrated too early. False alarm. It wasn't even a real period it was only a light teaser. sigh. Let's not dwell on that either. Last night I was watching Dr. Phil, and there was this girl who had an obsession over Mary Kate Olsen. She was an eating disorder like her and was striving to get her weight down to 86lbs like Mary Kate. She started smoking because she saw Mary Kate do it, she had posters of Mary Kate's bony back above her toilet so that she could look at her while sticking a finger down her throat. First... How do you obsess over one of the Olsen twin and not the other ? I can't even tell them apart. Anyways Dr. Phil asked her : Are you going towards, or getting away? Are you obsessed with trying to become Mary Kate because you want to go "towards" being her, or are you obsessed because you're trying to "get away" from being you. For the record, the girl said that if it wasn't Mary Kate it would be someone else, because she doesn't like herself. She doesn't want to BE herself.

That got me thinking about my own trying to become someone else (physically). Am I going towards being thin ? Or am I getting away from being fat ? I'm definitely going towards being thin, and that may be one of the reasons that I'm struggling. Because I'm NOT trying to get away from being fat. Deep down, I really do love myself. I don't care that I'm fat. Call me vain, but honnestly, I do think that I'm beautiful (for a fat girl). Of course I never ever admit that to anyone, and not even to myself sometimes. But I do. I'm going towards being thin because all my life people have harrassed me to do so and it's the right thing to do. I'm also going towards being thin because that's what people tell me I need to do in order to get pregnant.

I struggle with "getting away" from being fat. It's me! It's how I've always been, it's a part of my identity, of my personality, of my beliefs and I believe being fat all my life has definitely shaped my soul into what it is today. Will I feel different inside if I lose weight ? Will I still find myself beautiful, or will I look saggy and older ? Look at Loki. Everyone thinks he's the cutest thing since he got his fur trimmed really short this week. He is soooo ashamed and cold and it's like he feels naked. He's so uncomfortable that we feel bad for him. He can't get comfortable to sleep, or even sit. (Maybe his butt fur was kind of like a cushion?) He'll sit there and wobble from side to side with his eyes closed until he can't sit up straight anymore and then he'll finally grumpily lay down to sleep.

I know that I don't WANT to stay fat. But I don't know if I WANT to be thin. (How can you want something that you've never felt or had ? It's like if someone told me that what I have to do is shave my head. I'd believe them, but what would it feel like to have a shaved head ? I'd try to want it, but would I really want it ? Anyways. Lots to think about. Would it be easier if I was trying to get away from being fat ? Maybe instead of doing a list of the "reasons to lose weight and be thin" for the millionth time, I should try doing a "reasons to be fat" list. Maybe that'd change my perspective on being fat. Maybe I'd strive more to get away from fat.

Now. Am I trying to go towards the coffee pot for the 4th time this morning, or am I trying to get away from my empty cup ? That is the question :)