Thursday, February 23, 2006

Frosty trees in the morning sun

It is just gorgeous outside. Now that the weird fog has cleared up, the sky is blue, the sun is shining and the frost covered trees are breathtaking. I was tearing up looking at the beautiful scenery this morning. I'm a dork like that. I am dying just to go home to grab my new camera and go take amazing pictures. Not because I'm an amazing photographer (yet), but because the winter scenery is just gorgeous. Alas, here I am at the office, sitting at my desk, rotting under the fluorescent lighting.

So miraculously, my wrists are FINE! They are extremely healthy, nothing to see, movin' on. At least that's what I'll reply if any healthcare professionnal ever asks about my wrists again. The visit to the specialist yesterday was nothing I was prepared for. I thought that I was going to have a nice chat with some doctor who would gently tap on my wrists and take an educated guess at what is going on in there. Instead, he welcomed me, left the room, and in came his mad assistant. She told me to lie down on the bed... er... okay.. Then she took out the electrodes with an evil grin. WHAT?! I'm sorry, no one told me this was going to be painful. My wrists are fine thank you. It didn't work. She was strategically placing the sticky electrodes on my shaking body.

Zap. Zap. Zap. ZAP. ZAPZAP. ZAPZAPZAP. *twitch* Okay we're done with the median nerve. Let's test the other 42 nerves from your elbow to your pinky. I had to ask her for a break, I felt as if I was going to faint. Before you begin assuming that I'm a wuss, I have to explain that I'm terrified of electrical shocks ever since I almost died electrocuted in Africa with 240 volts with my naked feet in a puddle of water. That's another story for another time. Finally, she was done testing my right wrist. That's the most problematic one. Okay turn over, we're going to test your left wrist. WHAT? I assure you, I'm right handed, I never use my left hand unless I'm also using my right hand, so you don't have to electrocute my left arm. PLEASE! The more I convulsed out of fear, the more the electrodes wouldn't stick to my sweaty body, the this mad assistant seemed to enjoy her job.

She then proceeded to tell me the story of how she made a muscular weight trainer CRY by giving him the strongest electrical shock the machine would give, because he dared her to. She asked if I wanted to see how strong the currant can be ? ARE YOU MAD? She had a fan going in there, in freaking February.. maybe she was having hot flashes ? I was so nervous and so frozen, I was shaking so violently that lying on my back, my boobs looked like pistons. By the time she was done testing both my arms, both hands were completely numb. That's when she announced that they also wanted to test my f'ing feet! Those nerves are longer, it hurt a lot more. At the electrical current peaks, my foot would twitch so bad that I nearly knocked out her teeth. Oh and I had NO idea that I would be required to take off my compression stockings at all, to go talk to some doctor about my wrists... My leg hair was so long I could have braided it. The electrodes wouldn't stick under my feet, she asked me if I had put lotion on them. No, only sweat.

When she was finally done electrocuting me, I was numb in all extremities and I think my hair was curlier. The doctor walked in and told me what I already knew : You have some blockages, wear some wrist braces at night and when you're on the computer. I didn't tell him that that meant I should wear wrist braces practically 24 hours a day. You had to electrocute me to tell me THAT? Yes, and you should come back every year so that we can monitor changes to your nerves. F. YOU! If you ever call me back I'm running away to another country. You are nice people but I hope I NEVER see you both ever again.

So anyways, that's why from now on, if anyone asks, my wrists are FINE!


Kelsie said...

Oh. My. God. That is hysterical. Not that you were electrocuted but the way you wrote about it. I almost shot coffee out of my nose & all over my computer screen when
" was shaking so violently that lying on my back, my boobs looked like pistons."

I am sorry that you had to endure holy torture but thanks for the morning giggle.

Hobby Chef said...

I'm with Kelsie - the "boobs like pistons" comment freaking cracked me up. You're a riot.

I'm sorry you had to get electrocuted, but I'm glad you got a good report from the doc.