When everything that you do is wrong baby...

.. And you can barely survive yeah. When those around you are crumbling downwards Buried in the sunset alive. Thumbing your way to Vegas, dirty And screaming like you're back from hell Save your dreams and occupations Cos' it doesn't matter what you sell It ain't pretty After the show It ain't pretty when the pretty leaves you With no place to go If you think you want it Here's the place to get it But it ain't pretty.

It ain't pretty. It wasn't pretty. I smoked 5 cigarettes Thursday, 2.5 on Friday, ZERO on saturday, and today I was a complete absolute neurotic basket case. Steph drove to the store himself and brought back not one but two packs of smokes. I didn't know it would be this hard quitting almost cold turkey. I was looking at my reflection in the mirror and it didn't feel like it was mine. I was having a complete life and identity crisis. When I took the plastic covered pack of smokes in my head, even the little baby picture and the "Tobbacco smoke hurts babies" warning didn't make me flinch.
Steph said : "Do you have a lighter?"
Me " hell yeah, I've got like four on me. Why?"
Steph " Oh it would have been funny if you didn't have one"
It would have NOT been funny at all.

We were in Tim Hortons' drive thru when I was done smoking half my first cigarette. I realized how weak I am. How strongly my addictions rule my life. Maybe you think that this blog entry is going to be about how I realized how I don't need the cigarettes to be happy. I'm sorry to dissapoint but the cigarette instantly felt like a horse tranquilizer, and it felt damn good. DAMN good. Yes I want to break my unhealthy addictions, but I don't think I am strong enough to break ALL my unhealthy addictions at once. I'm not a superhero. I wish I was. I started a very healthy eating lifestyle January 9th. I quit smoking pot on New Years. Yeah I debated writing this last bit, but if you're reading this you're my friend and I don't think you're here to judge me. Besides, everyone knew. Those 2 addictions I'm conquering are very big ones. I've been eating unhealthily for all of my life, and I've been smoking pot and seeing life in pink for nearly HALF of my life. Although I'm dissapointed in myself for not being able to quit smoking cigarettes right now, I'm pretty proud about the first 2 improvements in my life. They are huge things to me.

I think I will try to quit smoking again when I'm on vacation. Whenever that is. I was going completely crazy, literally, I couldn't even fathom going back to work tomorrow in that state. I know for you non-smokers this probably sounds like I'm being a cop out. I hope I had better news to report.

This is totally off-topic but I'm watching "The Babysitters Club" for the first time ever LOL. I had read the books when I was a kid, but I have never seen the movie. I KNEW I know one of the main characters from somewhere. Schuyler Fisk (Kristy). She was on Law & Order SVU last week, portraying a young woman who had an incestuous relationship with her father and kept getting pregnant and threw away the still living babies in dumpters. How disturbing.

Although I feel a lot better post-nicotine, I still feel weird when I look in the mirror. I don't know why. I've lost weight before. I've only lost 10-13lbs so far this time, but I feel like it's not me in the mirror. I was scrutinizing my face in the mirror last night and wondering if normal people's mouth take up most of the width of their face. My mouth looks bigger. My clothes look bigger and somehow it makes me feel bigger. Steph looks bigger too, in his looser clothes. My Moovivor t-shirt looks so square on me today. In a distorted kind of way, it looked cuter when it was fitting more roundly. My skin looks so incredibly dry. I feel like I'm flaking away. I wonder if I can lose some pounds with all this dry skin flaking off. I feel like an reptile. Even my 22$-a-jar lotion that I usually use sparingly, isn't helping even though I slather it on as if it was 6$-for-a-huge-tub vaseline or jergens. Is this just the winter blahs ? I hope so. It seems like many around me are feeling especially depressed lately.