A not so empowering lonely lunch...

I have always had an odd fascination with solitary diners. I polled the board once about this subject, and I was amazed to read that many had often dined on their own more than once. Also, many said that they had found the experience quite empowering.

Today my coworkers, hereinafter called "PISNBO" (Short for : "People/Person I Shall Not Blog About" (Reference to previous post)) decided to go have lunch together. They invited me to come along, but I have long ago decided to never again join them for lunch, special occasions being the only exeptions. (like christmas.... party doesn't seem like the right word but I'll use it for lack of a better word, retirements, job transfers and switches etc. Oh and of course Administrative Professionals Day or any other occasion where the lunch is in my honour.)

The reason I dislike joining them for lunch is that they always insist on walking to wherever we're going, and they walk faster than any other walkers I've ever seen walk. Seriously. I have to slow jog to keep the distance between me and them shorter than half a mile. They walk so fast they literally look like they have springs in their feet, knees and necks. I don't know if it's really a 'rule', but I've always thought that waiting for other people when walking as a group was the polite thing to do. And no it's not like I walk with crutches or anything.

One time, I even practiced my lunch walk for 2 months before trying to join them again. Every day I would go walk on my lunch hour and sometimes again in the evening. I walked 6km in 45 minutes in the end and managed to lose 30 lbs in the process. I STILL was NOT able to keep up with their pace. I have noticed that they take really long steps when walking. I have tried mimicking their long strides and it made me look like an obese walking Barbie. Well, the old school kind characterized by unbendable knees.

I really felt proud of myself for declining their invitation - in an A-HA! kind of way. Alas, not soon after they walked out the door did that feeling dissipate to be replaced by tiny pangs of regret. Then I remembered my fellow board ladies' empowerment stories regarding solitary dining. Determined, I got up and put my voice mail on, grabbed my things, locked the doors, checked obcessively-compulsively three times after to make sure they were really locked, and walked really slow (A-HA!) to the Bamboo Garden Chinese Buffet next door.

One of the reasons I chose this place was that I love chinese food, but also it had always looked deserted every time I passed by. My gut feeling did not dissapoint me. There was only 2 other people eating; a chinese speaking couple who left soon after I sat down. The chinese hostess asked : "For one?" in a simpathetic kind of way. I nodded and she showed me to my table. I walked past the chinese couple, trying to walk on my tippy toes as to not make the floor creak so much. I had the feeling they were probably saying in their cacophony: " Wow she's huge. I hope she doesn't eat the whole buffet. Don't worry she'll probably leave the vegetables. She is really nicely dressed though, in an easter egg kind of way".

As I was eating my nasty chinese food, looking out the window, waiting for the feelings of empowerment, I felt like the chinese hostess was staring at me wondering why I was there eating alone. But in retrospect, she was probably being on her toes making sure to discreetly run and steal my empty plate in the eventuality of a second round of nasty buffet. (Which did happen of course, this is Me.) Melancholic chinese music was coming out of nowhere, I was half expecting Bill Murray to be dining with Scarlett Johansson in a corner. Also for my cochlear pleasure was a wall fountain perpetually emitting annoying fake sounding waterfall noises. Maybe that's a big conspiracy on their part to try to make you want to go to the bathroom often so you spend less time eating from their nasty buffet.

I ate a second plate of NB (nasty buffet) out of pure gluttony. I thought perhaps this time I would try picking food from the very center of whichever buffet item, in hopes it would be fresher tasting. That hypothesis didn't turn out to be validated at all. I decided to call it quits halfway through my 2nd plate. Then I realized : what if I step outside this Bamboo Garden at the exact same time PISNBO's are coming back from their fast and furious lunch ? I decided to kill some more time by going to take a peak at the desserts stored in the coca-cola fridge.

I had a choice of either : Cherry Cheesecake, old-looking jello cubes and mistery pie. I settled on the cheesecake. Once I took it out of the fridge, I realized that it was NOT cheesecake, but some kind of white cake with cherry gunk on top. The chinese hostess was scrutinizing me so I smiled at her and served myself the thinnest slice of cake I had ever deliberately served myself. I then noticed a small beige wallpaper covered freezer with an "Ice Cream" sign on it. I opened it... she was still looking... I gathered all the strenght I had in my carpal tunelled wrist to scoop a tiny turd of hard nasty looking ice cream from one of the various flavored no-name tubs sitting in there.

I walked back to my table as fast as I could, not trying to muffle the creaking floor at all this time. I ate my dessert in one spoonful, and noticed she had somehow stealthily placed a fortune cookie on my table. I cracked it open : "You will soon be honoured in some way". I rolled my eyes to myself as I remembered that we're picking up our new car at Saturn tonight and all the employees will come out to congratulate us and take our picture yada yada. It's supposed to make us feel special but if they do it every single time they sell a vehicule it's not making me feel particularly special.

I paid and told her to keep the change, giving her a 60% tip. As soon as I walked out I felt normal again hearing traffic noise and breathing in carbon monoxide fumes.. That was so surreal in there. The next time I want to feel empowered, I think I'll stick to the true and tested : Go Shopping!