That's how I've been feeling.
It all started Friday morning. I decided to wear my hair down for once, and on a whim decided to blow the dust off my makeup bag and wear makeup. I almost never wear makeup anymore. Does anyone else hate the word "Makeup" ? I don't want to be "Made up"... I just want to be plain ole me! Anyway... So in the mirror I thought I looked pretty cute Friday. So I had the great idea of taking pictures of myself to change my blog picture. After the 42nd dissapointing picture, I had to admit defeat. I look like an abobination in all the pictures.
I had a doctor's appointment at 9h45am. I drove Steph to work and went straight to the doc's office. I was going for refills. Just refills. Is that too much to ask ? I waited for quite a while in the waiting room. There was a little two year old girl bouncing and running everywhere, giving her grandmother a big workout. They were waiting for her momma who was seeing the doctor. She was so cute with her pigtails and her glasses. (I felt like writing spectacles, I'm reading 1984 hehe) It reminded me of my infertility and made me sad. I haven't had a period since May 4th. :/
So I finally get called in the doctor's office. In the same breath she says : Hi, how are you, sit there so that I can take your blood pressure. She said it was good at 132/76. Yay! She asks what can she do for me today ? Refills please! Then while writing refills she starts going on about why don't I join the tried and true Weight Watchers ? I tell her that I was paying to go for the meetings but they weren't for me so now I follow WW but at home, for free. But I occasionally fall off the wagon. Okay, I often fall off. Then she said why don't you join this amazing weight loss program I keep hearing about... hmmm what's the name again ? I say : Simply For Life ? Her: Yeah yeah that one. Me : Because I called them, and for me and DH to join it would cost us 400$ a month, which I don't have. Her : So you'd rather stay on your medications than pay 400$ a month for your health ? Me : Well the insurance pays my medications... Her : ARGH I don't get your mentality. You would rather stay on medications because insurance pays on it ? *grimaces*. Me : I don't HAVE 400$ a month. That's a car payment for me. Plus on Simply for Life if you fall off the wagon too often they kick you out and it's non-refundable.
Her : Well at least why don't you follow the Canadian Food Guide ? Me : I do, unless I'm fallen off the wagon.. Her : When you know you should be eating a serving of meat the size of the palm of your hand, why do you eat a 3lbs steak ? Me : I don't... Her : Well why do youf all off the wagon ? I don't get it, if you know you have the option of eating steamed vegetables and rice, why do you go for the fries ? Did you know that exercising produces the same type of high that eating does ? [Insert continuation of Doctor's rant here in Charlie Brown's teacher's voice.] By that time I had begun crying and I couldn't stop. She moved the kleenex box in front of me and continued on.
This is the second time I see this new doctor of mine. The first time when she was 9 months pregnant, and Friday, 6 months post-partum. She's snapped right back to her 120lbs tight figure. She's never had a weight problem. She doesn't have food addictions. She doesn't get a high from eating food. She doesn't eat her emotions. Of course she doesn't get it. You can't get it unless you've been there. Would she ever tell an alcoholic to just stop drinking, that she doesn't get why he's drinking even though he knows he shouldn't be ? Is she implying that I'm stupid ?
I was still crying, and the more stupid she made me feel, the more I cried. I asked her about Gastric bypass surgery. She said that she was going to mention it. She said that to be considered for the surgery patients have to try Xenical for 3 months. She wrote me a prescription and wrote me a referral to the Gastric bypass surgery specialist. (There is only one, we don't get to chose one we're comfortable with, like in the states.) I later researched Xenical (Orlistat) online and the side effects are horrendous. (Uncontrollable bowels and orange grease leaking out of you constantly so that you have to wear depends to name two.) Those side effects cannot happen to me at work! What do I do ? I've been dieting OR feeling guilty about not dieting since I was 9 years old. Am I going to ever be able to lose more than half of my current body weight on my own? Two side effects of the surgery are complications and death, which are also side effects of morbid obesity.
She made me schedule another appointment for in a month. I had makeup all over my face. After that I got in my car and cried all the way home. I couldn't possibly go to work in this state. I got home and cried and screamed in my pillow. Then all of a sudden the dog barked and I realized it was 12h45. I had fallen asleep crying. I sprung out of bed, removed my face paint and drove to work rubbing my face to erase the pillow lines.
So that's how my birthday weekend started.